Twelve Years Without My Dad

Today is the day. My dad’s 12th death anniversary is here. I’m feeling okay. I guess. The numbness is here but not as bad as it normally is on his death anniversary. I don’t know why. I feel fine. It’s only the morning. I know I have the whole day to get through still. Hopefully, I can stay this strong and not break down. I know it’s ok to cry but I just want one death anniversary I don’t cry myself to sleep or cry. The pain isn’t heavy right now. I don’t know why but it’s not.

My daughter and I are watched The Lion King today. I know, what an awful movie choice for today but I love this movie because it hits me so hard. I can relate to Simba in so many ways now. I used to just feel sad for Simba and cry when his dad died. Now, I still cry when Mufasa dies and relate to the whole movie. Simba goes through stages of grief throughout the movie. I never really noticed them until today as I grieve myself. The movie is also filled with quotes I finally understand. Mufasa’s quote to Simba when they’re looking up at the stars is my favorite.

I’m glad I watched The Lion King today. It helped me remember I’m not alone. I have angles looking down on me and guiding me through this awful time as well as other days to come and in the past. Angels are looking down on me … not lions because I’m a human. My angels pack keeps growing as time goes on. I’m starting to accept the fact that angels are really looking after me.

It’s comforting knowing I have so many angels who are looking down on me and making sure I’m ok. This is the first time I admitted to myself about my angels actually being here for me. Maybe that’s why this year I’m not feeling the grief so heavy. I have finally accepted my dad as an angel rather than died. My grief told a hold of me for so long. I couldn’t see the reality. I just wanted my dad back. I missed him so heavy that it consumed me and my emotions.

My heart isn’t feeling the normal heavyweight on death anniversaries. I feel somewhat normal … I guess. Maybe normal isn’t the right word because I will never be normal after losing my dad at 19. So much of our father/daughter relationship got stolen for us because of his cancer then leaving so soon. I got robbed. But my point is I feel different this year. It’s feeling wonderful not having the pain heavy on my heart today.

I’m a strong woman.

I need to stay strong for my little family.

I think I’m finally ready to be the strong woman I can and know I am. The pandemic taught me how to be strong and stay strong since my daughter struggled with deep depression. I had to stay strong and be there for her. By being there for her, I learned strength and how to express all the emotions I locked away for too long inside for a long time. I never really how much pain depression can truly cause someone until I saw her in so much pain. I’m finally seeing life in a new light after everything 2020 brought into the world.

2 thoughts on “Twelve Years Without My Dad

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