Happy Quarantine Birthday In Heaven, Mom

Dear Mom,

I don’t know if Dad told you are not but your birthday is different this year. I’ll summarize it for you. A new virus called the Coronavirus or COVID19 hit the world. It’s a nasty virus who kills a lot of people and getting tons of people sick. Everyone is in Quarantine and nothing is open. One of my best mom friends lost her dad a week before dad’s birthday. I feel so sad for you because she couldn’t even go into the room to say a proper goodbye and funeral arrangements are all virtual.

I feel guilty not going to see you more than ever now. I had the chance and okay from my doctor but I choose not to go. I took advantage of being pregnant and making an excuse for not being there for you. I’m sorry you passed away with seeing me one last time. I will never forgive myself for letting you die without me there with you. I know I was pregnant but I should have just gone. Coronavirus made me realize I took for granted doing a proper goodbye to you. I know I sent you a text with a picture of my daughter’s ultrasound and write a message, but I should have brought the picture to you. My guilt is so heavy during the quarantine.

I miss you so much. I wish I would celebrate your birthday with you on FaceTime or Zoom. It would be better than celebrating without you at least I would be able to see you and hear your voice.

I miss your voice. It’s slowly starting to fade just like dad’s voice. I wish I could hear it one more time. I’m not sure if I would even recognize your voice anymore.

Thank you for coming to visit my daughter. She always tells me how you come to visit every night and making sure she’s okay. It’s comforting for me to know you’re still here and watching over her. She would have loved you but I’m glad she’s somehow getting to meet you. It may not be ideal but at least she is seeing you.

I wish I could especially on days like today. Some people on Facebook are complaining about how they can’t see their moms during the quarantine. I can’t help but feel jealous because they can on FaceTime, talk on the phone, or text her. I can’t even do that. My heart aches for you during this time.

Quarantine is hard enough, mom. My daughter is going through so many emotions she doesn’t understand. I’m trying to help her as my mind is dealing with “our new life” and missing you on your birthday. My emotions are all over the place too. I’m trying so hard to keep myself together but I feel like I’m slipping away. It’s so difficult to be a mom when you’re trapped in quarantine. No, wait … it’s painful being a motherless mom during quarantine because I would call you about how to deal with extreme emotions in a kid since I was a very emotional kid myself.

Ugh, this is hard, mom. I just want you here on your birthday and during quarantine. I’m trying not to fall apart but I feel like I am.

I know how lucky I am to have my boyfriend and daughter, but I will you could be here too.

I miss you.

I love you.

Please continue to watch over my little family.

Happy birthday, mom! Have fun with dad in heaven.

With love,

Your daughter

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