A Decade Without You Feels So Unreal

Depression is creeping in my mind. I’m moving into a different kind of grief stage this year. My positive thoughts are fading in and out. I can’t believe how much time has past. A full decade without you feels so unreal.

How in the world did so much time past? Today, it feels as if I just got the call even though I know that’s not true.

I have to admit that I’m actually used to you missing things in my life. It doesn’t mean the pain has disappeared because I feel it time from time. The feeling has become normal for me.

Of course, I miss you so much. It’s just life is obviously going on without you. I can’t stop this as much as I would love to have you back.

Unfortunately, I can stop time because life continues onward without my control. If I could rewind the clock, I would go back to a time you were healthy and happy. You know before the cancer demon took over your body and left me in my worse nightmare. I would go back and just froze time because then you can’t leave me and you’re being the person I remember and loved to be around.

I can’t. Time isn’t going to let me, so here I am 10 years later and feeling empty. I’m empty because you missed so much. I never wanted this life without you. My heart aches as I even try to explain to myself it’s really been that long.

This feels like a nightmare. Can someone please wake me up? I don’t want to feel this way anymore. The empty and lost kind of life no one ever wants to know or live.

Okay, I know this isn’t a nightmare. I really wish it was because I can’t deal with how long it’s been and what my depression is putting me through right now.

Depression is draining me. I feel numb as if the fog is coming over my brain. Emotions are fading into nothingness.

My smile disappearing into the air. I zone out and watch it slip out of my hands. I’m too gone to even try and catch it.

I can’t voice remember the sounds of your voice anymore. As much as I try to remember, your voice has just slipped away from my brain. I can’t believe I forgot but it’s true I have and that burns my heart. I knew this day would come but a part of me wished it never would be real. It’s a reality now. Your voice is gone forever.

If it wasn’t for the pictures in my closet, I would forget what you looked like as well. Cameras on phones wasn’t a thing went you were alive, so I don’t have much on Facebook or my phone. Plus, you were sick when Facebook became open to the public. I’m so glad you loved to take pictures when you were well, so I have them to look back on now. Maybe, that’s why I find myself taking so many pictures of my life because that’s what you did. It’s one thing life or time can’t take away from me.

Ten years slipped through my fingers. Ten years washed away with the waves of life. A decade has arrived faster than I can apprehend. I miss you dearly but I must continue to live my life without you. I love you.

Do you like what you’re reading? Check out my page, Kimi Ann-Marie for various of posts about life, mom life, and grieving. Check out my page, Positive Thinking About Parents Death for grieving advice about your mom or dad and reminding yourself you’re not alone.