The memory of seeing you laying in a hospital bed haunts my dreams, especially during this time of year. Mom, I miss you more than words on a paper.
I still remember the smile on your face when I walked in the door. It made me forget for one moment I was in a hospital visiting you. For a second all the sadness escaped me and I was back with my mom like usual.
But then suddenly all the sorrow and pain shot right through me like sharp needles. The horrified look on your face showed how bummed you were because you wanted to live. You then had the realization that life was slipping away from you and there was nothing we could do. The feelings I felt in my stomach made me nauseous because I was losing my rock, my number one supporter, and my mom. I still get the same feeling around the time of year when your doctor said that your cancer had separated.
You were so strong, mom. You kept a brave face on through all of this, refusing to show how scared you truly were. You never let the horror growing inside for you shine too much because you didn’t want others feeling sorry for you. But you’re my best friend, I knew when you were scared.
I will never forget your willpower to live. You wanted to live so badly, by, unfortunately, it was your time. If you or I wanted Heaven could wait any longer for you to arrive.
These awful days will pass. Unfortunately, I have to cope without you. I may not want to, but I have to learn to live without you here on Earth. Life’s so hard without my best friend and Mom. And as much as I’m trying to fight through it, it’s so hard without you here with me every day. My mind likes to play games with me and think I see you in public or around the house. I know you’re not around, but I swear I see you. Maybe it’s your spirit coming to visit me and let me know I’m not alone. My heartbreak as tears come down my face because it’s not the same. I wish you were here on Earth instead of Heaven.
Look, Mom, I know you’re looking over me through these dark days. It’s not the same because I would rather have you here on Earth with me. It’s not your fault that I lost you before my life has even started. I can’t help but wonder what I did to lose you so soon? If I made different choices in my life, would you still be here? If I listen more to you, would you still be here? If I didn’t fight with you about the smallest things, would you still be alive?
Why did cancer take you from me? I honestly will never forgive cancer for taking you from me. It’s just not fair. I know life isn’t fair, but losing my mom made me learn how you can’t depend on life to make you happy. It’s really up to you, even when you have no control over what life throws at you.
I really hope I’m making you proud of all my decisions and everyday activities. Even though you’re not alive, I still want to make you proud of me. I want to show you I’m still that sweet girl you raised. I want to prove to you I’m going to be okay without you. The truth is I don’t want to be okay, but I know that’s not what you want for me.
Every day, I wish I could have you back with me. I will never forgive cancer for taking you away from me. If cancer was a person, I would punch it in the face for taking you from me. I wouldn’t ever regret punching cancer in the face because of all the pain it caused me after your death. If you ask me, cancer deserves getting more than just punched the face. I really don’t think I could control myself with one punch because the pain I felt in my heart every day is torture.
I wasn’t ready to lose you. Heck, I never thought about not having you around until it happened. Cancer stole you from me. How can I ever forgive it? The truth is that I can’t forgive cancer for even thinking it’s okay to take someone’s mom away. I wish I show cancer what it feels like to lose a mom after watching her suffer because of someone else’s doing.
I need you back, mom. I want you back, mom. Cancer should be the one to die not you, if only it was a person. I really wish cancer stayed away for a long part of time instead of crashing down on you when I needed you the most.
This is my life now, unfortunately. I must focus on what I have versus what I don’t have even if that means my mom. I can blame cancer all I want for taking you, but it was your time and I have to accept that. I must come to the conclusion that you’re not alive anymore. As hard as it is for me, I need to remind myself every day that you’re not here. It was your time.
Heaven called you. You answered without putting up a fight. You didn’t want to leave me. I know you knew I still needed you for around to be my rock and best friend. Mom, it was your time. God wanted you to be my guardian angel rather than my mom. I still don’t understand what God has planned for me and why he thought it was okay for me to be alone. It puzzles me every day. I know one day things will be clear until then I have to be strong and push my way through all the pain.
That’s all I can do without you. I love you, Mommy. I miss you more than the words I write down.
Check out my page, Kimi Ann-Marie for various of posts about life, mom life, and grieving. Check out my page, Positive Thinking About Parents Death for grieving advice about your mom or dad and reminding yourself you’re not alone.